In the begining……….. There was confusion.

Oh to look back all those year’s ago now seems like forever and a bit.  I am not really sure when the first feelings came to me but I am pretty sure at about age 7 or 8 I knew I was a little different.  At the time I just kept it to myself,  not really sure what it meant but I knew I did not seem to see the girls like all the other boys did.

Even getting older when the other boys started noticing the girls I was noticing what they were wearing instead.  This caused me a lot of conflicting emotions.  All of this started in the mid 1980’s (remember the time before the internet) and getting any help at the time for what was causing me issues was not a option.  It was not until staying home sick one day (or at least playing sick) that I caught a episode of some day time talk show where the theme turned out to be men who like to dress up as Women.   Turns out we were called Crossdresser’s,  Wow this thing I had now had a name although I would not be able to say it out loud for at least another 12 to 13 years.

Could it be,  there were other people who felt like me in the world.  I was glued to the TV for the next hour and by the end was horrified.
Of course the show put absolutely no positive spin on this issue at all,  just Men ruining there lives and breaking up there families for what they did.

After the TV episode I was sure I would never tell another human soul for fear of rejection and being labeled as some sort of freak and for a long time I never said anything to anyone and kept my little secret,   well  a little secret.

Life still goes on and I get a little older and in high school life gets really hard.   Lets start off by saying in high school I really do not fit in anywhere.  I am not athletic,  good looking or smart so pretty much bottom of the barrel when it comes to social status.   Even so I still had some friends but I really could not identify with either girls or boys.  I cannot connect with the boys because I don’t play sports and have no idea what they are talking about and I don’t connect with girls for fear of somehow being found out.  It’s a long 4 years.

After high school I try and push this feeling I have way down into the darkest deepest pit I can find and for awhile she goes away,  not usually very far from the surface but far enough that I can go many days without thinking of her.

A friend of mine introduces me to his girlfriend and at the time neither one of us knows this but our futures are intertwined.  This girl was a enigma to me,  not even close to any I had ever met before.  She seemed very open minded and seemed to have friends in all walks of life.  She seemed like a good person to finally be able to talk to and get this huge secret off my chest.

It was maybe only a year later and it came to be that we were dating.   She was a great woman to be with and we were having the time of our lives,  we were young and had the world in our hands,  but no mater how much fun I was having that little voice in my head was saying “this will only last as long as she does not find out about the other woman”.  It took 5 months but I knew what I had to do,  I had to tell her about my dressing.

It took almost 2 full days of pondering on exactly how to do it and I won’t go into details but I did tell her.  I had readied myself for the relationship to be over and after I told her my huge secret she just looked at me and said “that’s it?”  It was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest and for once I could start really living.

That’s enough for now,  thanks for reading.

Cynthia

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