The Shame Game: Purging, Acceptance and being happy with Yourself.

shame_game

In the world of Crosssdressing, it’s not uncommon for one to take the accumulated gear associated with dressing as the opposite sex and get rid of it all. This action is known as purging, and with the purge one tries to push the feelings of guilt and shame associated with dressing back into the closet where it can be hidden away hoping that it will not rear it’s ugly head again. Very rarely does the closet door stay closed.

Purging can be caused by many reasons from guilt and shame to a spouse who is not happy with the dressing. There are numerous other reasons for purging but it all ends up the same way, getting rid of all the clothing and makeup in order to try and suppress the desire to dress. Unfortunately,  it’s not as easy to stop as it is to place all your stuff into the trash or the donation bin. I would hazard to guess 8 out of 10 Crossdressers who have purged have gone back out and started to collect the various items they have thrown away.

I can honestly say I have never purged,   but I do know the reasoning behind it all too well.  There are some times so low you would do anything to not feel tied to this need to dress,  and it can get tiring.  I did at times feel the need to pack up all the stuff that I associated with Cynthia and push it so far back to the bowels of the closet that I hoped I would be free of this guilt causing aspect of my life. It never helped.

It’s an odd feeling to want to do something so much and yet once you do it have so much guilt you wished you had never done it in the first place, this for some can be the vicious circle of Crossdressing which I know from first-hand experience. I would build up the experience in my head to a point where it would be an almost euphoric experience and for the first little bit of dressing, it would be.   But the specter of guilt and regret was always right around the corner,  and in the mirror to be exact.  No matter what I was wearing or how the night was going, all it would take was one look in the mirror and instantly the need to be dressed was gone.

In my case, the only way I was going to overcome my own disgrace was to get it through my head that what I was doing was not bad, and the one person that was able to get through to that side of me was my adoring wife. She, on more that one occasion was more than willing to help me out, but for the longest time, I was far too self-conscious to even think about dressing in front of her. She had only seen me dressed once and that was just after we had moved in with each other sometime around 1998. No matter how many times she would tell me she was okay with seeing me dressed and no matter how many times we had talked about it. To me, it seemed as if the actual act would be the straw that would break the camel’s back and I was not cool with that. So over the years, I would only dress when I had the house all to myself. I would spend over 15 years with a foot still in the closet even though I had a spouse who was more than accepting of the situation.

I am not really sure what the final motivation was where I was able to shed the final doubts I had, but at some point, it was like the sun rose up over the hills and I was out of the darkness and finally able to see. I took the last step and dressed in front of the wife and nothing happened, she was not disgusted, ran for the hills or demanded a divorce. I had spent so many years in a self-imposed exile that I wished I had taken this last step a lot sooner, but some things have to be learned the hard way.

And in letting go I had learned the final truth, I had absolutely nothing to be ashamed or guilty of.   Also with this shift in thinking I no longer have periods where I do not dress up,  now my dressing is only determined by the time I have to do it in.

I don’t see an issue with dressing anymore, which is why I came up with the slogan below which sums it all up.

beyourself

Thanks for reading

 

cyn_sig2

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