2018 ended on some high notes and 2019 seemed to be going fairly well, until recently.
Starting off 2019 with a Break
A few weeks ago I was in an accident that required an emergency visit to the hospital via an ambulance. I had called the wife to tell her to meet me at the ER and as I was talking to her I realized that I had painted my toenails a very bright sparkly red just recently as well as shaved my legs. This has always been a fear of mine and one of the main reasons I never, ever underdress at work. The fear hit me as I was talking to my wife about the toes, She said we could tell everybody that our kid had painted them. This option made me feel a little bit better. Fast forward to the hospital and sitting in the ER waiting room for what seemed like days and I was finally ushered into the back and up onto a hospital bed, I knew the moment of truth was to be soon. Doctors and nurses swarmed around me and I was told the socks would have to come off. There, in all there red sparkly glory were my nails, and not a word was said. It was only after the initial check was done that a nurse finally commented on how nice they looked and who had done them for me. I was then pushed all over the ER from room to room as I needed X-rays and other tests with my bright red toenails entering the room before I.
I was ushered into surgery the next day and was temporarily fixed up and spent the next 4 days laying in a room getting ready to go home and wait for the surgery to actually fix the problem, all the while with my toenails out for the entire ward, nurses and doctor to see. Of course I did not spill the beans and let out all my secrets, but still, I did not hide them either. It’s 2019 world and I can damn well have pretty nails too.
In appreciation of my Wife
My wife and I have been together for over 22 years between dating and marriage and to this day I am not sure how I lucked out and found the love of my life, A person that is truly kind, helpful and loving to the highest degree. If you remember way back when I posted a blog from a letter my Wife had sent to me titled Wifey’s point of View you would remember we have been through some pretty dark times and always come through the other side a little bit better. It’s dawned on me now after my accident even more how much my wife has done for me over the years and how much she does now. When I came home from the hospital I was pretty much useless, not able to get around very well, bound to a chair and unable to stand long enough to feed myself, and she was there for me the whole time. The worst part about this was she was just getting over some medical issues herself and this did not help at all. She was tired, stressed and still a bit sick but she was there for me. And I feel like a total ass at this point because most of the things I did around the house I now cannot do so I have to watch my poor wife struggle and do it. And through her aches and pain’s she does without even a argument
Dear, you are the greatest.
So it looks like I will have quite a bit of time for this injury to heal and with that time I was hoping I would get some more blog posts in. I am pretty sure my dressing for this season is over but recently I did purchase a new E.L.F. Holiday Contouring kit and picked up 2 of the new Maybelline Made For Me lipsticks in Red for Me and Ruby for Me. I am hoping that sooner than later I will be able to post my view’s on these.
While browsing through the makeup aisle recently, I thought about how long it has taken me to get to the point where I am comfortable enough on my own to head into the store and look at and buy whatever makeup or clothes I want. It’s been about 20 years since I bought my first items of makeup with my Wife’s (Then Girlfriend) help. Since then it’s been a long trip learning how to shop for makeup and clothes by myself. It took me a long time to bring my confidence level up to the point where I am able to head out and shop on my own which I think is better for both of us, don’t get me wrong I love shopping with the wife but when shopping for Cynthia it can be stressful. My wife does not wear a lot of makeup to begin with so she does not really enjoy browsing.
I can still recall like yesterday how our first trip went. After telling the wife about Cynthia I had asked if she would help me pick up some makeup. She agreed and we headed to the local Wal-Mart. I can remember sitting on the car waiting to go in and shaking like a leaf I was so stressed out. I wanted the entire Covergirl Fall line at that time but I was not able to afford it. We were both a little nervous about the whole situation and just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. Some bad choices were made, but we were young and it was a learning experience.
Shopping trips went on like this for years, heading into stores with a vague idea of what I wanted or needed with the wife quietly asking me questions. This caused the wife much stress as she was always worried that someone would overhear that our purchases were not for her, but me. I admit I was worried about this as well back then, but that faded.
It took a long time for me to reach the F**K it moment and realize that no one cares what you are buying, they just want to go home. It was also getting annoying for the wife to have to go out and help every time I wanted something new from the stores, and I can totally agree with that. I am not going to lie, It was so easy for me to drop into a pink fog, it was not even funny. I cannot even imagine what it was like living with me at those times.
It was the perfect storm that helped me get off my ass and over my fears. Firstly one of my favorite stores was having a 70% off sale which meant I could get the bra set I had my eyes on, and only for about 17 dollars. Secondly the wife was sick at the time and was in no shape to be heading out in the crappy January weather. I knew it was now or never, I checked online and made sure the items I wanted were still in stock in store, I made my list and waited till I was done work and headed off to Addition Elle. I did have a friend who offered to take me as well, but I knew if I did not do this on my own now I never would.
With list in hand, I sat in the car for at least a good 10 minutes waiting for the store to look a little more empty. When it looked quiet I headed in and straight up to a sales assistant at the front counter and asked for some help getting some presents for my wife, she was more than willing to help and thought my list was a great idea. I am sure while talking to her I was as red as a beet but she either didn’t notice or didn’t care. In no time she had found 3 of the 4 items I really wanted and was ever so helpful in finding something very close to the last one I wanted. I paid my bill and left the store with my purchases and felt as high as the clouds that I had done this myself.
Of course, once I had completed this task it just seemed to get easier and easier. Soon I was not even taking a list in with me, just walking in and heading right over to the sale racks, looking through and grabbing what I wanted. Not more mention of buying for my wife because no one ever asked me, no one really seemed to care as long as I paid and went on my way. It was true about what they said, SA’s don’t care (at least from my experience) what the purpose of your visit as long as you be courteous, pay and leave.
It was not long before I was applying my new-found courage to the makeup aisle as well, taking my list along with me if I was ever asked if I needed help. A list is a must have for the makeup aisle just because of the sheer number of brands and products available. I have been approached only about 3 times while browsing for makeup. The worst part was going through the checkout and I was sure the lady scanning was going to look up and see who was purchasing the foundation. Not once did she look up from her task of scanning my items to verify if it was a male or female buying the items.
This post is not a damnation of people who feel they can’t go out and buy for themselves yet. I was in your heels at one time and I know exactly how you feel. You may never become comfortable enough go out and get stuff on your own and that’s completely fine. So many more options are around you could buy everything you ever need and not talk to another human being.
Some tips I have.
Do make a list. Some clothing store websites have the option to check stock, but it might only be updated every 24 hours. Make sure you have some backup pieces if needed.
Pick stores with self-checkouts. This can limit your needed interaction with clerks if this makes you nervous.
Take proper measurement to reduce returns. If you are not going to be trying clothes on you will want to make sure you get the proper size.
Read reviews before buying products. I find Makeupalley is great for this as it’s all people who have brought the product.
Don’t break your bank, pick a few items you need and just get those.
When it comes down to it no matter why you are Crossdressing it should be fun and exciting and shopping is just part of it.
Normally I never start dressing until at least late October, but this year I was given the opportunity to start in August, a very hot August.
The summer here in South Eastern Ontario was brutally hot, so even though I had the opportunity to dress, it was too sweltering to do so most times. I tried, I really tried to dress on some of the warm days not wanting to waste the time that I had, but in 25-degree heat, I was sweating again after even having a cold shower and foundation does not apply well at all on a sweaty face.
But now that fall is starting to creep in and the days and nights are getting cooler it’s way better. And with the extra time I have had in this seasonal transition period I have been heading out of doors for some better picture taking. I was able to head out last weekend and get some pictures of myself in the beginning of the layering/sweater weather season.
I started with working on my makeup, using mostly products from the Maybelline Fit Me lines I have been picking up. I am really, really loving the Fit Me Matte + Poreless foundation in Buff Beige (130). The coverage is awesome and the match is what I have been dreaming of. I was also trying out the Maybelline Master Blush Color and Highlight kit. This is the first time I have really used a highlighter and I really liked how it turned out, just an extra little POP.
For my lips, I used some Maybelline Color Sensation lipstick in Blissful Berry (410), it’s a gorgeous berry shade but does not really show up great because my cameras are not the greatest. I spent a lot of extra time on my eyes this time and used my Covergirl Trunaked Dazed palette which has some really striking colors in it if you are trying to make a statement.
So after I had my makeup all done I decided to start casual with just a pair of jeans and a few tops and get a bit dressier from there. The first top is longer with slits on both sides. It’s hard to tell from the pictures but it has a red metallic thread woven throughout the top which gives it a really nice look.
I first tried A infinity sweater. I think these were popular about 5-6 years ago but I have not seen any recently. It looked okay, but with the ammount of extra fabric this piece has it’s probably easier just to get a basic top and a scarf.
I then moved onto a knee length cardigan which I think is my favorite look of all. I love how this sweater trails behind you in the wind when you walk. With the extra large holes in the knit, I doubt it would be the warmest but it lookes nice.
I changed from the shimmery top to a sleeveless wrap top with a ruffle. This is more of a summer top but with the right sweater it could be a bright pick me up into the cooler fall. I paired it with a black ruffled bolero.
I moved on from the tops and pants and tried a dress that I had purchased back at the start of 2016 but have not worn a lot. It’s long sleeved, so it’s perfect for cooler weather and the fabric is a bit heavier. It has a slit up the leg on the left side. With the long sleeves I would not wear a sweater with this but I may try and pick up a shawl to go along with it
So there are some of my fall picks. I am sure as the weather gets cooler andI still have some decent time outside I will have some more posts to throw up.
I love trying new brands, looks and styles. I love being able to sit down at my makeup mirror and just practise putting it all on and seeing how much better I get each time. The only thing I really need now is more time to use it all in.
So here for you to see is all the products I am using or testing out.
Just like everything else you need the right tools for the right job, same goes for makeup. I have invested in some decent, but not overly expensive brushes and sponges that seem to be working for me.
I have brushes from Still Cosmetics, E.L.F. and EcoTools. I have also been using Joe Fresh foundation sponges along with a Quo Blending sponge.
Moisturiser gets your skin ready for your makeup. This is all I apply before as I don’t use primers or anything else. Olay complete had lots of positive reviews and really works well in my opinion. It does not leave your face feeling greasy and sets in really quick.
Recently I finally found my perfect match with Maybelline Fit me Matte + Poreless foundation in Buff Beige (130). I really like the finish and so far it looks good in pictures. I had picked up a couple of different shades and I know I will have to get some more because right now I am still tanned from working outside all the time
Currently using Maybelline, Covergirl and E.L.F. The Covergirl and E.L.F. are both stick style and the Maybelline is a liquid type.
I have been using Covergirl CG Smoothers powder and just recently picked up some Maybelline Fit me loose finishing powder which I am really enjoying to use to set my foundation.
Blush and Highlighter
When it comes to blush or highlighter I am a total Noob. To be honest I always forget that I even have a blush palette to use most of the time. But if I do remember, My E.L.F. Eyeshadow palette contains a entire blush collection plus I bought a E.L.F. Rose gold blush/highlighter combo. I have tried the highlighter a couple of times now and really like the way it looks so I will be working more with it.
My second favourite makeup product and you can tell by the amount I have of it. I love how I can mix colours to make new types of looks. Using E.L.F., Covergirl and Wet n Wild.
Mascara and Eyeliner
I’ve never really had luck with pencil style eyeliners, but lord knows I tried. I find they always jump causing a dotted line effect or maybe I’m not doing it right. I have taken the plunge and started using liquid eyeliner and I gotta say I really, really like how they work. It takes no pressure at all to leave a nice dark line along the eyelid. Does take some extra time to use and learn though.
I have liners by Mary Kay, E.L.F. and Maybelline.
Hands down my favourite part of my makeup routine. I started with very muted shades at first but have moved up to very vibrant reds and pinks.
Been using Covergirl, Revlon, Maybelline, L’oreal, Mary Kay, Lancome and E.L.F.
Eye Makeup Remover
To take my eye makeup off I have been using the Mary Kay Eye Makeup Remover. I have not tried many other methods, but this seems to work really well. Takes off all the shadows, liner and mascara. It does not take very much at all to completely remove everything.
I don’t have the package for these because they work so well for me the contents outlasted the box. They are Olay Daily facials, and are great for removing all the rest of the makeup off your face.
They are dry and you just add some warm water and foam them up. Plus if you want to get even more mileage out of them you could cut them in half. I am not sure if this style is even made any more.
So there you have it, everything that I usualy use in my makeup routine.
In the world of Crosssdressing, it’s not uncommon for one to take the accumulated gear associated with dressing as the opposite sex and get rid of it all. This action is known as purging, and with the purge one tries to push the feelings of guilt and shame associated with dressing back into the closet where it can be hidden away hoping that it will not rear it’s ugly head again. Very rarely does the closet door stay closed.
Purging can be caused by many reasons from guilt and shame to a spouse who is not happy with the dressing. There are numerous other reasons for purging but it all ends up the same way, getting rid of all the clothing and makeup in order to try and suppress the desire to dress. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy to stop as it is to place all your stuff into the trash or the donation bin. I would hazard to guess 8 out of 10 Crossdressers who have purged have gone back out and started to collect the various items they have thrown away.
I can honestly say I have never purged, but I do know the reasoning behind it all too well. There are some times so low you would do anything to not feel tied to this need to dress, and it can get tiring. I did at times feel the need to pack up all the stuff that I associated with Cynthia and push it so far back to the bowels of the closet that I hoped I would be free of this guilt causing aspect of my life. It never helped.
It’s an odd feeling to want to do something so much and yet once you do it have so much guilt you wished you had never done it in the first place, this for some can be the vicious circle of Crossdressing which I know from first-hand experience. I would build up the experience in my head to a point where it would be an almost euphoric experience and for the first little bit of dressing, it would be. But the specter of guilt and regret was always right around the corner, and in the mirror to be exact. No matter what I was wearing or how the night was going, all it would take was one look in the mirror and instantly the need to be dressed was gone.
In my case, the only way I was going to overcome my own disgrace was to get it through my head that what I was doing was not bad, and the one person that was able to get through to that side of me was my adoring wife. She, on more that one occasion was more than willing to help me out, but for the longest time, I was far too self-conscious to even think about dressing in front of her. She had only seen me dressed once and that was just after we had moved in with each other sometime around 1998. No matter how many times she would tell me she was okay with seeing me dressed and no matter how many times we had talked about it. To me, it seemed as if the actual act would be the straw that would break the camel’s back and I was not cool with that. So over the years, I would only dress when I had the house all to myself. I would spend over 15 years with a foot still in the closet even though I had a spouse who was more than accepting of the situation.
I am not really sure what the final motivation was where I was able to shed the final doubts I had, but at some point, it was like the sun rose up over the hills and I was out of the darkness and finally able to see. I took the last step and dressed in front of the wife and nothing happened, she was not disgusted, ran for the hills or demanded a divorce. I had spent so many years in a self-imposed exile that I wished I had taken this last step a lot sooner, but some things have to be learned the hard way.
And in letting go I had learned the final truth, I had absolutely nothing to be ashamed or guilty of. Also with this shift in thinking I no longer have periods where I do not dress up, now my dressing is only determined by the time I have to do it in.
I don’t see an issue with dressing anymore, which is why I came up with the slogan below which sums it all up.
I was a little bored the other night and while searching the vastness of the internets came across some makeup question tags on various blogs. I decided to have a little fun and answer them for myself. Over the years my appreciation for makeup has grown and I love to use and practise with it every free chance I get.
I pulled these questions from 3 different blogs and kinda mixed them all together and also deleted questions I could not answer, and then added a few of my own.
While reading this just keep in mind that my makeup knowledge is limited to the few drugstore brands and only one other that I have been able to try in all my Dressing. I wish I did, but I do not have the budget to go off and try everything that I would like too. That list is far too long and expensive.
I have added the links at the bottom of the post to where I found these questions. I am not trying to steal anything and want to give credit back to where I found them.
1: Do you remember your first makeup item? Yes, Way back sometime in 1996 the wife was gracious enough to take me out and help me purchase my first makeup. Some really bad eyeshadow and some fire engine red lipstick. Looking back not the best color choices but I needed to learn.
2: What kind of coverage do you prefer from a foundation? Full.
3: What cosmetic brands have you always wanted to try but still haven’t? M.A.C.
4: Favorite drugstore brand? Covergirl, Revlon or E.L.F.
5: Do you wear fake eyelashes? No
6: What is your most cherished beauty product? The very first “Real” brush set I ever purchased.
7: How often do you shop for makeup? Do you like to pick up an item here and there or get lots of goodies at once? Usually, I’ll wait and save some money then splurge.
8: Do you have a “beauty budget” or you spend freely? I hate to say it but freely.
9: Do you utilize coupons, rewards cards, and sales when you shop for cosmetics? As much as possible.
10: What type of product do you buy the most of? Lipstick, with eyeshadow a close second.
11: Is there a brand that you absolutely can’t stand? I don’t think I have tried one yet that I would say I can’t stand.
12: Do you have a favorite place to shop for makeup? Mostly Shoppers Drug Mart, sometimes Rexall.
13: Favorite bath and body brand? Olay
14: If you could only buy from one brand, which brand would you choose? My favorites are all over the spectrum of brands. I could not pick just one to use at this point.
15: What brand do you think has the best packaging? I always thought the Mary Kay compacts were a good idea. Although their eyeshadow pans are very small you could customize 3 eyeshadows, blush and a lipstick.
16: Do you belong to any online makeup communities? Yes, MakeupAlley
Well the summer of 2018 is almost over and what do I have to show for it.
It’s been hot here in South eastern Ontario, one of the hottest that I can ever remember. We had almost a whole week with a heat warning in effect where the temperature was in the high 30’s and when you factor in the Humidex it felt more lit it was in the 40’s, not fun to be in at all.
But heat aside the Summer was a pretty good one for Family and Myself, we have had time to get out fishing and swimming and just spend some time together. Also I have been able to get some dressing in which I normally never do until the colder months like late September, but I was given the opportunity and took it.
Before dressing though I was able to save up some money and treat myself to some new makeup, I may have went a little overboard on the Lipsticks but what can I say, I love a bold red lip now. Between my saved up money and my points from Shoppers Drug Mart. I spent no more than 35.00 on new lipstick, eyeshadow, foundation and mascara which when you think about it is not a lot at all.
I picked up all the make up with sale prices of at least half off and some I had coupons for that gave me mega points towards money off again so all in all it was a very good deal. My favourite’s right now is Revlon Super Lustrous Lipsticks, I love the feel and I love the colour pay on this brand. I was able to pick up 4 new ones which were 2 creams and 2 mattes. The colours were Certainly Red, Love is On, So Lit! and Red Rules the World.
The only tried the cream ones so far, but both really really pop when on and don’t seem to make me look too bad.
Along with my my Lipsticks I also picked up some new Mascara as I have never used it very much and need all the experience I can get with it. I picked up some Maybelline The Falsies Volum Express. The formulation seems to be okay and does seem to add some volume to my lashes, but I did not pay attention and picked up blue. Does not seem to make a big difference.
And seeing as I love eyeshadow as well I had to pick up the new Covergirl Trunaked pallet in Dazed. I have 4 of these now and I really like the way they go on and how much coverage I can get out of these.
But Possibly my best buy of all was some new Fit me Matte+Poreless foundation from Maybelline in 130 Buff Beige. If you have ever read my blog before you will know I have spent years trying to find the right shade of foundation with no luck yet. Someone on Twitter told me to try and Maybelline Fit me line and I was not disappointed. I did pick up a few and ended up getting one that to me seems to be a great match. It covers well and seems to leave a nice surface that does not accentuate my pores, which other foundations I have tried do. I am so happy I found this.
I decided since I have the time and there is no snow on the ground, I was going to leave my comfort area and head out of doors which I don’t normally do while dressed. I do live in a very rural area, but it’s not uncommon for people to just either head up to the house or just show up unexpected. Needles to say I did feel exposed while outside of the house in broad daylight, but it was a thrill and I can’t wait to do it some more. It was pretty hot while dressed so I am hoping by the time fall rolls around I will have more pictures to take.